Words matter. They can either inflame a tense situation—or open a path to connection. Parents of intense children often discover this the hard way. But here’s the surprising part: the same principles apply to adult relationships.
Depersonalize the Moment
Phrases like “You need to stop” or “You always do this” put the other person instantly on the defensive. A better approach is to talk about what “needs” to happen, not what they need to do. For a child: “The dishes need to be put away so we can start dessert.” For a partner: “The bills need to be paid today so we don’t get a late fee.” Neutral, factual language creates less resistance.
Invite Cooperation Instead of Opposition
Some kids are wired to resist commands—and let’s be honest, some adults are too. Avoid baiting that opposition by making requests that highlight their strengths. For example: “You’ve gotten so good at math—can you help me with this bill?” Or with a co-worker: “You’re great at organizing details—would you mind checking this before we send it?” You’re not just asking for help; you’re affirming value.
Role Play and “Do-Overs”
Kids can learn new responses by acting them out—sometimes even swapping roles with their parent for fun practice. Adults can use this tool too. Couples therapists often encourage partners to “replay” a fight with new language, giving both a chance to practice healthier communication. Playfulness lowers defenses and makes new patterns easier to adopt.
Underreact to Lies or Missteps
When faced with dishonesty, our instinct is often big emotion—anger, lectures, shame. But for intense people, that energy feeds the cycle. A calm correction (“I know you probably didn’t finish your homework”) without drama helps more. Later, when things are calm, you can have a conversation about the impact of honesty. Better yet, avoid setting people up for lying. Rather than ask the question (which puts one on the defensive) simply state what you noticed, observed and move forward from there. With adults, the same principle applies: underreact now, reflect together later.
Language is a powerful tool in any relationship. With intention, it can shift tension into trust.
