How to Transform Intense Relationships with Kids (and Adults)
We all know that person—whether it’s a child, spouse, or colleague—who seems to come in “hot.” Their emotions are strong, their energy is big, and sometimes it feels like you’re always one step away from a meltdown or an argument.
For parents of intense children, this dynamic is especially exhausting. But here’s the encouraging truth: changing how you interact can shift the whole relationship.
Seek an Energy Match—Positively
Intense people are always looking for an energy match. The mistake most of us make is trying to squash their energy or overpower it with our own. That usually backfires, escalating the very behavior we’re hoping to calm. Instead, try matching their energy in a positive way.
If your child is bouncing with frustration, respond with calm but engaged presence: “I hear you’re upset.
Let’s figure this out.” The message becomes, “I’m here with you, not against you.”
This works with adults, too. Think about the colleague who vents loudly at meetings. Rather than silencing them, you can validate their intensity while redirecting:
“You’re clearly passionate about this—how can we use that energy to find a solution?” Coach, Don’t Police
Instead of being the “behavior police,” become a success coach.
- With children, that might mean asking, “How can we solve this problem together?”
- With adults, “What’s your next step to move this forward?”
- These “how” questions flip the brain into problem-solving mode rather than defense mode.
Look Beneath the Behavior
Every intense outburst hides a need—an unexpressed thought, an overwhelming emotion, or a fear. If we only punish, we miss the root. For kids, harsh correction often creates defiance instead of learning.
For adults, it can harden resentment. The better route?
Name what needs to happen without shaming the person: “That TV needs to be off so we can start dinner” or “This report needs to be finalized so the team can stay on track.” Notice the shift—it’s about the situation, not them.
Create Opportunities for Success
Intense people thrive when trusted with responsibility. Give your child a grown-up task—“Would you help me calculate the tip for the restaurant?”—and watch their pride rise.
Invite a frustrated spouse to lead a part of a project. Nourishing the relationship builds trust and reduces conflict.
The Takeaway
Intensity is not the enemy. It’s raw energy that, when guided with calm, respect, and opportunity, can become a tremendous strength.
References
Cognitive Function Development Institute. (2025). Cognitive Function Development Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.cfdinstitute.com/.
